Disney’s Princesses get all the glory. But what about the princes? Why must they get relegated to the back of the line in movie-going-kid admiration. Well, I once wrote about Disney’s coolest princes back when LiveJournal was all the rage. I decided to revisit that debate – from scratch – with more princes to consider here in late 2014. In the end, I crowned the same champion. But first let me tell you why the others didn’t win.
The Prince (Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs): Okay, this clown didn’t even get a name, so how could I even consider him? Besides, what’s a guy who loves to sing and wear tights doing looking for a princess? Seems like he’d be more interested in her seven little friends, if you know what I mean. This is the character that made the name “The Prince” totally dorky until Will Smith came along to fix that mess.Prince Charming (Cinderella): At least this tool gets a name, albeit a cheesy one. The dude is relatively neutral in the beginning, and he even gives us a chuckle with his eye roll upon the introduction of Drizella and Anastasia. Even when dancing all night with our beautiful Cindy-kins he’s neither cool nor uncool; he’s just kind of there. But then the clock begins to toll midnight. You mean to tell me Prince Charming can’t chase down a broad in GLASS SLIPPERS! What a pansy. At the very least he could have his guard stop her, can’t he? Then, upon finding the lost glass slipper he declares he’ll marry the woman who can fit her little tootsie in it. How many size sixes are there in a kingdom – that could’ve led to a total disaster. Nope, Prince Charming ain’t too bright. At least the Christopher Rich version was somewhat cool. Prince Eric (The Little Mermaid): Now this guy wins a few cool guy points: he risks his life to rescue a pooch from a burning ship, offers his hospitality to a mutie-cutie-patootie red-head, and impales the sea witch. So, where are his shortcomings you may ask? Let’s see, he was clearly falling for Ariel but was taken over by the voice taken by Ursula. “Oh, pretty music. Must marry this girl now.” What a loser. And even though he took out Ursula in the end, she was a HUGE target and very slow with King Triton’s trident. (No, that’s not a euphemism.) Prince Eric outshines the previous two entries, but he’s nowhere close to our number one. The Beast (Beauty and the Beast): Defining beast-mode long before Shaun Alexander (running through a pack of linebackers ain’t squat compared to taking on a pack of wolves), gobbling soup like an animal (hey, every single man’s dream) and enough in touch with his sensitive side to delve into the fine art of horticulture the beast seems like a strong candidate. But I’ve got issues here, too. The dude’s got an awesome library, and although it’s ultra-cool to give it to Belle, why hasn’t he bothered to take the time to learn to read better over the last ten years? When life hands you lemons, READ A BOOK ON HOW TO MAKE LEMONADE for crying out loud. And, the key point, if he weren’t such a pampered little snot rag to begin with he wouldn’t have been transformed into a beast. Prince Naveen (The Princess and the Frog): He ain’t Kermit. Nuff said. Aladdin (Aladdin): Hey, he’s got his own movie named after him – he’s already up a few points. He’s little but scrappy having lived on those streets for years. Hungry, he still shares with those less fortunate. And, the tiger-head entrance to the Cave of Wonders clearly thought him worthy and not greedy. Heck, what’s not to like. Well, in the end he was like any other guy thinking with something other than his brain. He promised the Genie he’d free him with his third and final wish – but he lollygags because of the mid-riff-showin’ hottie, Jasmine. That could’ve ended in disaster. Fortunately, he was quick-witted enough to defeat Jafar and free the Genie in the end, but only after having nearly messed everything up. You just don’t screw your friends like that, Aladdin. Third place for you. Flynn Rider (Tangled): Like Aladdin he becomes a prince by marriage, but a prince nonetheless. He starts off a bad guy who screws over his partners. This is uncool, crime and deceit. But unlike Aladdin, they were just partners in crime, not friends, so it’s not as bad. In the end he makes one of the greatest transformations in Disney history, and becomes friends with one of Disney’s all-time coolest secondary characters: Maximus! Plus, taking an active role in saving Rapunzel by cutting her hair, even though it means certain death for him, is what catapults him to the number two position. Way to go Flynn. (Yes, I know his name is Eugene Fitz-something, but I didn’t feel like looking it up. This is an off-the-cuff kind of blog.) Prince Hans (Frozen): Douche bag! Kristoff (Frozen): Not a prince, but it looks like he and Princess Anna may change that after the end of the movie’s timeline. So I’ll give him and honorable mention. But, like I said, not a prince; just a nice guy who happens to be an ice guy. (Get it? Hee-hee.) And our champion is… Prince Philip (Sleeping Beauty): He’s handsome, he’s strong, he’s willing to stand up to his dad, the king, to marry a “common girl,” and HE NUKES A FREAKING DRAGON!!! Dude, what’s not to like. He’s an accomplished horseman, swordsman, and dancer – something sure to be expected of royalty. He’s relentless, too – never giving up by fighting through orcs (for lack of a better description of Maleficent’s forces), boulders being dumped on his head, leaps across ravines, thorny brambles, and A FREAKING DRAGON!!! Yeah, you may say, “But he needed help from three little fairies.” So what, we all need a little help from our friends sometime. Besides, if your only allies were three little fairies about the size of miniature hummingbirds would you have the guts to take on A FREAKING DRAGON!!! I mean, Maleficent is, hands-down, Disney’s greatest bad-ass, and this is the prince who took her down, he even had the presence to dodge her last jaw-snapping attempt to take him out. What a man. (A FREAKING DRAGON!!! Can you believe it?)