We used to pick on my dad because he had this habit of reading the Rand McNally road atlas in the bathroom. After Dances With Wolves came out we gave him the moniker “Reads on john” but until now I’m not sure he knew about that. (Hmmm, inadvertently sold out my brothers and myself.) Interestingly, it’s a habit that I have picked up. No, I don’t need a map to find my butt to wipe, it’s just fun seeing where I can go (no jokes about where I’m going while reading the map) and what’s out there to see. But some of the points of interest are, um, interesting – in a peculiar kind of way…
Kidder Massacre Site, northwestern Kansas: Okay, I know Margot went off the deep end about a decade after Superman, but I didn’t know it was THAT bad. And why is this a point of interest – who the heck wants to see a massacre site? I can only imagine the traumatized school children from field trips past. “We’d like to welcome Mrs. Johnson’s second grade class to the Kidder Massacre Site. Let’s begin our trip today with a full re-enactment!!”
Painted Cave, New Mexico: Painted cave? In west Philly we call that an abandoned row home.
Dalton Gang Hideout, southwestern Kansas: If it’s on the Rand McNally road atlas, it ain’t a great hideout. And why is Timothy hiding anyway? He has nothing to be ashamed of (except maybe The Beautician and the Beast) – he made a fine Bond. It’s not his fault the timing was bad and no one really gave him a chance. Stop hiding, Tim, or the long-awaited sequel to Flash Gordon will never be!
Yakov Smirnoff Theatre, Branson, Missouri: No comment necessary, it provides its own punchline.