What I’m Thankful For

A little less than one week ago my 6-year-old lost another tooth. (Her fifth, I believe.) She’s very much unlike her older sisters in the fact that she has no problem pulling out her own tooth. Granted, she won’t let daddy or mommy help, but at least wiggling and pulling herself is not a problem, no matter how much blood.

But that night was a rough one. It was about ten minutes before bedtime when she showed me, yet again, her loose tooth. I said something to the effect of, “You know, if you keep wiggling that it will come out soon.” I shouldn’t have said it so close to bedtime.

For the next thirty minutes she stood at the bathroom sink wiggling her incisor. My wife was exhausted and trying to go to sleep, I was trying to get our little one to sleep and the two older sisters were having the time of their lives staying up past bedtime while she dragged out the process. My wife and I kept telling her, “Brush your teeth and go to bed. It can wait until tomorrow.” She simply responded with, “I’m almost done!”

FOR THIRTY, FREAKING MINUTES!

Finally, we hear, “IT’S OUT!”

Then we all clapped and cheered because we don’t want to discourage her from being independent. That, and it was bedtime at last.

Wait a second…

Thirty minutes of, “I’m almost done”

Followed by, “It’s out!”

Followed by cheering.

Yeah, that sounds really familiar, doesn’t it, honey? Okay, maybe not thirty minutes.

———

You may be wondering about the title I gave this post. Well, I’m thankful my wife puts up with my sick, twisted sense of humor year after year.

My Current Identity Crisis

My 2-year-old has called me by names other than just Daddy. As long-time readers may recall there was a period when Pixar’s Cars was one of her favorite movies. She was Lightning McQueen and I was Mater. Waking up to her lovely little voice saying, “Mater!” was the best wake-up call EVER! I was so happy that we were best friends in her eyes.

Not too long ago she watched Disney’s Chicken Little. She was Chicken Little and I was his porcine friend, Runt. Once again, I was so happy to be best friends in her little, brown eyes.

Then, a few weeks ago, we were visiting my parents when she was playing with “the critters” (that’s just a set of toy farm animals) when her big sister grabbed the donkey. I can’t remember what big sister called it, but my little one said, “No, that’s Daddy!”

Hmmm. So, let me get this straight; my 2-year-old sees me as a fat, redneck jackass! Maybe I’m not held in such high esteem after all.

My Case For Poet Laureate

An Ode to the Internet

I ignore my job and kids
I even ignore my wife
I have let the internet
take over my life

I spend hours every day
checking out new sites
And I do it all because
my real life mega bites!

*******

An Ode to a Dead Cat

I used to have a kitty cat
he was my best friend
And I have been so sad
since he met his end.

I’ll never get another
computer in my house.
You see, my kitty choked to death
when he tried to eat my mouse.

********

An Ode to Hogwarts

The Hufflepuffs work real hard
the Ravenclaws are smart
And those bold, brave Gryffindors
are very stout of heart.

The Slytherins are power-hunger
and can be awfully rude.
Who gives a crap, I just want to see
Hermione in the nude!

********

An Ode to Westeros

Khaleesi, Bran and Rickon
Tyrion, John Snow
I wish that George would write the books
before they’re done the show.

But I don’t think that’ll happen
that is what I dread.
But still I think it’s safe to bet
that they all wind up dead!

Proximity

So I was on the john perusing my Rand McNally atlas, (don’t ask, but my Dad will understand) when I happened to turn to the pages for Nebraska and noticed a little something. The counties in the Cornhusker State have pretty common people names. One could take neighboring counties and devise names for people which may exist in real life.

Do you know an Arthur McPherson?

How about Boyd Holt?

Keith Lincoln? Chase Perkins? Blaine Brown? Clay Adams? Howard Hall?

There actually is one person you may have heard of if you follow the NFL or Virginia Tech football, Logan Thomas. Yup, those two counties are neighbors. It was fun little game to play whilst having a bowel movement. Which are the two most exciting things you can do in Nebraska, poop or read something which takes your mind away from Nebraska. (Sorry, ‘Huskers, this Penn State fan is still upset about 1994!)

But the best neighboring county combination had to be Hooker and Cherry. I think they used to be together, but Hooker lost its Cherry a long time ago and they can never be rejoined.