Overheard at Work

A few years back my employer held an all-hands meeting to discuss, …um, I can’t remember. Probably some corporate crud. One of the few things I remember from it was our store manager asking all employees to write down names of people who make work fun. I was one of three lucky winners. It felt pretty cool to be recognized by my peers, even if only for my overall goofiness. However, I’ve come to the realization that most people aren’t really entertained by me, but instead by listening to me talk on the phone to my family. I do this almost every day at work on my lunch break, and lately lots of co-workers have mentioned the enjoyment they get out of this. So, below is not exactly what people have heard any particular time at work, but I’d say a fair approximation of what it’s like to listen to me on the phone with the family.

(Eight-year-old answers phone)

“Hi, kiddo. How are you?”

“Awesome. Are you doing all of your schoolwork?”

“Well, make sure you get it all done. What else is going on today?”

“Sure, Red (imaginary friend) can come over to play.”

“Oh, I’m sorry Oh-No (imaginary husband) is in California, you must miss him.”

“Sure, Casper (imaginary friendly ghost) can sleep over. I love you.”

(Puts thirteen-year-old sister on phone)

“Hi, sweets. How’s it going?”

“I get off work at (insert clock-out time here). I should be home soon after unless I have to go shopping.”

“No, I’m not getting you a croissant today. How about we look up some croissant recipes, you’re a great cook.”

“I know you like the store-bought kind, but I can’t buy one every time. Maybe if you ate your vegetables I’d get them more often.”

“Yeah, I was a picky eater, too. I love you and I’ll see you soon.”

(Hands phone off to seventeen-year-old sister)

“Hey, boo. How’s school?”

“I get off work at (insert clock-out time here). I should be home soon afterwards unless I go shopping.”

“I already have your tomato sauce in the cabinet.”

“We just made mac-n-cheese, I’ll get more cheddar next week.”

“No, I can’t bring Corey (Fogelmanis), he’s not here.”

“That meet-and-greet is six states away, but if he comes to town I’ll try to take you there.”

“No I can’t take off work and drive you there to see Corey. It costs money and you don’t have it.”

“Okay, I love you. Hold the phone up to your brother’s ear and let me say hi.”

(Holds phone up to seventeen-month-old)

“Hi, big boy. How are you? Daddy loves you. Can you say, ‘Daddy’?”

“No, not covfefe, Daddy!”

“I love you.”

(Big sister gets back on.)

“Okay, put the little girl on. I love you.”

(Four-year-old takes the phone.)

“Hi jewels, I love you.”

“You’re so sweet. Are you doing school?”

“Awesome. I’m very proud of you.”

“No, I’m not buying a cat.”

“Mommy’s allergic to cats.”

“You don’t want Mommy to sneeze, do you?”

“Well, I don’t want Mommy to sneeze!”

“Just play with your toy cats. Play with Marie and Scatts.”

“I love you, too, big girl.”

(Mommy takes the phone.)

“Hi, sweetie. How are you holding up?”

“I get off at (insert clock-out time here). I’ll call before I leave in case you need me to buy anything.”

“Hang in there, sweetie. I love you.”

There, that – in a nutshell – is what it’s like to listen in on one of my break time phone calls to the family. I hope I’ve offered you as much entertainment as my co-workers.

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The Well-Trained Three Year Old

No, this is not a post about my wonderful parenting ability, because said three year old has been known to release some furious temper tantrums. This is about my sixteen year old’s ability to train her littlest sister.

As I’ve mentioned before, my oldest is a Fogelmaniac. (That’s a fan of child actor Corey Fogelmanis from Disney’s Girl Meets World.) Actually, she’s more than just a fan…she’s his future wife, in her mind. So, her littlest sister knows all about Corey. And she’ll ask to go see Corey at the prompting of big sis.

Just the other day at supper, however, she needed no such cue from the eldest. The sixteen year old and twelve year old were talking about other celebrities (yes, male celebrities) when the little one piped up, “Stop talking about them. I want to talk about Corey!” The sixteen year old was beaming with pride. On top of all that, the three year old was able to name all of Corey’s dogs, much to the delight of the “future Mrs. Fogelmanis.” Yep, she’s got her well trained.

Now, if only I could get her to channel her influence into something which can benefit all mankind; like getting Amy Adams to return my phone calls!

And the Oscar Goes To…

I used to be a big movie-goer. In the early nineties I watched lots of movies, and a fair share of them on the big screen. That’s why I always looked forward to the Oscars, I had seen most of the movies and had my favorites and predictions, etc.

That’s not the case any more. I just went to see Star Wars: The Force Awakens with my dad on Thursday. The last time I went to a movie before that was to take my daughters to High School Musical 3, in 2008. Even when it comes to watching movies at home I’m not very active. We don’t even own a television anymore, and I only occasionally watch DVDs on the computer. To illustrate my infrequency of watching movies consider this, my friend Rob gave me a 3-DVD set of the first three Bond films with Daniel Craig for Christmas 2014. I’ve only seen Casino Royale. That’s why I don’t watch the Oscars any more, little interest and even less time.

But my 16-year-old really wants to see Mad Max: Fury Road win for Best Picture. That’s her horse in the race. But she hasn’t seen the movie. Nor has she seen ANY Mad Max movie. She doesn’t care about George Miller, Tom Hardy or Charlize Theron. Heck, this 16-year-old girl doesn’t even care about heart-throb Nicholas Hoult. So, why does she care about the movie? Well, her answer is similar to why some non-football fans select a Super Bowl team by which one has the prettier uniforms.

You see, my eldest once had a crush on Ross Lynch. However, he was demoted from future-son-in-law to ex-future-son-in-law when he began dating Courtney Eaton, who has a role in the film. I don’t even know if she talks in the role, but if the movie wins she’ll be happy; which will make Ross happy; which will make my eldest happy.

Yeah, not a typical reason for rooting for an Oscar film. But I guess I can be glad that she’s rooting for the film which stars her ex-future-husband’s girlfriend. After all, I rather her not be vengeful and wish ill upon the hussy that stole her man. Instead, she shows this young lady support and moves onto a new crush. (Look out, Corey Fogelmanis, you’re in her sights.)